Randomness Reborn
by Kinoarashi
Summary: If you're looking for mindless humor and a good time, then is this the place for you! Read all about Riku's misfortunes while under my domain muajaja! R
1. Default Chapter

Randomness Reborn

One fine day at Destiny Islands, Riku was sitting alone on the beach when a fish named Dan jumped up from the water and slapped him on the face for thinking bad thoughts about… err… forget it…

One fine day at Destiny Islands, Riku was sitting alone on the beach when his dumb, best friend, Sora, sat beside him, with a notebook in his hand.

Riku: Whats that for?

Sora: Mom told me to write down every stupid thing I say so that I would become smart… Not that I need it. Hey, you wanna hear something cool?

Riku: I'm not sure…

Sora: Whatever, the other day, I tried to drown a fish, and guess what?

Riku: It didn't drown?

Sora: No, we tried to cook it for dinner.

Rike: Oh… Wait, "tried"?

Sora: Yeah, I accidentally put it on fire and dropped it, and uhhh, you know my dad always taught me to fight fire with fire soooo…

Riku: #barely listening, eating Dan#

Sora: I threw a log from the fireplace at it, and burned the whole house down…

Riku: #spits out Dan# WHAT?!?!?

Dan: Yo homey! Don't go spittin' on me brotha!

Riku: #throws coconut#

Dan: #knocked out#

Sora: Yeah, and that's not all, I tried to put it out with what I though was water and…

House: #goes BOOM! Sirens are heard#

1 hour later

Riku: #Staring at what once was Sora's home#

Kairi: Hey Sora, Riku.

Sora, Riku: Hey Kai…

Kairi: Sora, remember the bucket of gasoline I lent you?

Riku: Why would you give Sora a bucket of gasoline?

Kairi: I didn't give it to him; I just wanted him to hide it for me. #smiles#

Riku: Why would you need to hide…? You know what? I don't care, it's just stupid…

Kairi: Good boy! #pats him on head# Hey Sora! Wanna toast marshmallows at the burning ruins of your house?

Sora: #staring into empty space#

Riku: I'll go… #walks towards the fire#

Sora: #calling out to Riku and Kairi# Hey guys! Look! It's air!

At fire

Riku: #Holding stick over fire with a frog impaled on it#

Kairi: #Holding stick over fire with snail on it# You know, people are gonna start to wonder why I brought this bag of marshmallows…

Riku: Screw them… #gets sapped with lightning, looks up# I'm sorry dammit!

Sora: I wonder what water tastes like…

Kairi: #banging head on log#

Oprah Winfrey(or whatever): #appears from thin air with two million dollar dress#

Oprah: Yo wassup homies?!

Riku: OH HELL NO!! #pulls out minigun and shoots Oprah numerous times on the chest and head#

Kairi: Whoot! Female freedom from the oppressions of the ever-evil Oprah!!#waves banner that reads: "No Black People"#

Riku: I can take that my idiotic "friend" burnt his own house to the ground. I can take that my other friend is a racist psychopath. But I will not take this sh!t!!!! #Eyes go red, starts foaming at mouth# ARRGH!!

Kairi: Riku?

Sora: Kairi?

Dan: Sora?

Sora: Dan?

Kairi: Sora?

Sora: Riku?

Kairi: Oh, this is some Jerry Springer sh!t…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok so its 12:47 AM right now and I just finished writing this…. thing… This is my first humor fic so go easy on me if its not that funny… R&R

And also, I am not a racist, Kairi is… so please don't be angry at me, its just part of the "hilarity"  
also, for some reason I can't use asteriscs to point out actions so I'm using # (which is kind of close...)


	2. Chapter 2

Randomness Reborn

Chapter 2

Blerg. I think its been more than a year since I posted this….

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, it was another sunny day at Destiny Isles and Sora and the gang were once again at Sora's house's ruins desperately searching for anything left undamaged… or at least Sora was… Did I mention that it was a sunny day? Yeah? 'k. Well Sora was trampling over the rubble of what he thinks might have been his old room… or closet… or whatever. The point is he stopped, kneeled and started sobbing uncontrolably. Probably over the fact that his whole family had been taken away in one fell swoop of a pure, cold-blooded dose of destiny. But no… it was his teddy bear…

"Mr. Bublous! No! Why has fate been so unkind on this poor soul? OH GOD WHY!"

It was then that Riku decided that he might as well just see what the hell was going on. "I hope its not that stupid Mr. Baubles or Buobulus teddy bear again…." He thought as he climbed the ruins of his best friend's house. When he arrived at the scene he saw that Kairi was already there, trying to comfort Sora and still laughing maniacally at times due to the death of Oprah Winfrey. "Ugh, please don't tell me its that stupid teddy bear again. It's the third time this week, and its getting pretty old-". He was cut off by the crazed shriek Sora let out when he heard the word "teddy"

After he finished shrieking, Kairi shook her head and started walking towards Riku, I think Sora didn't even notice… (Actually, I know he didn't notice, 'cause I'm kind of writing this…) 'Newayz when she got to Riku she murmured something about "hopeless" and "killing more of those fuggin' ni-(censored racist word). "Watch this" Riku told her and set off towards Sora. "Yo Sora! I think I saw a rabid coconut by the beach!" Sora didn't move, oh yeah, he had sunk into the ground and remained there as a lifeless heap 'cept for the crying. "And, uh… It… uh…. Had… Candy!" he yelled out the last word and in less than a sixteenth of a second Sora was running towars the beach screaming like a mad PONY.

"Ha! Works everytime!" he whispered triumphantly. "Geez you think that by now he would've figured out there wasn't a coconut tree at that side of the beach…" 'twas Kairi. "I guess he's just stupid.". An understatement… Now, it wasn't that Kairi didn't care about Sora… she didn't… or Riku, or Selphie for that matter but she hasn't been seen since last week and the last place were she was seen was at Kairi's house, but when Riku pointed that out everyone decided to ignore it, and when he asked the Sheriff the reason for his complete dismissal of the truth he simply replied, "That's life." I think that the wierdest part was that Selphie was his daughter… 'Newayz Kairi had more importants things to do… She'd tell you, but then she'd have to kill you.

5 Days Later

Well once again it was our main caracter, Riku sitting on the beach, contemplating the ocean… Now you all remember Dan the fish right? Well good for you. It just happened that the ancient gods of yore and antique lore decided to manipulate the fabric of space/time infinity to make it happen so that at that very moment, Kairi spotted Riku on the beach and ran to him, laughing for some demented reason. "Aww crap." Riku thought as she approached him and before he could run away, she had latched on to his arm and held on so tight that she cut off his circulation. Yes I know what yer thinkin' "Ohh he'll die" "Ohh, amputation" but I don't care, she looked like a goddamn METROID. Riku's arm was greenish when she let go (which was so fast that she didn't give Riku a chance to speak… yeah) and said "Hey wanna go to Sora's house's ruins?" "Again?" he replied. Suddenly, off in the distance, a voice was heard, and if you haven't already guessed, it was Sora…

"Hey, finally got over the teddy bear huh?" Kairi said. "Who?" Sora replied, "OH! Hey, Riku, guess what?".

"What?".

"Guess!"

"No, tell me."

"Guess!"

"You found a bucket of steam?"

"Guess!"

"What."

"Guess!"

It was at that time that Riku slapped him. Hard. Sora came back to his senses or at least as close as he could. "Oh, sorry. Anyway, I found that rabid coconut. Here, look!". Sora rummaged in his inmmense pockets and finally took out a coconut with a face roughly scratched into the surface. Riku stared at it for about 2 minutes, not really surprised, but really angry that someone stole his idea. "Where the hell did you get this?" he demanded.

FLASHBACK!11!11SHIFT!11ONE!

"Yo Sora! Whatcha doing, man?"

"OH, hey Wakka! Have you seen a rabid coconut around here?"

"I see many coconuts, man, but neva a rabid one, ya? I once saw a rabid mushroom thought… ya…"

"Yeah, cool. Hey, you seen Selphie?"

"Not since last week, ya-"

"LOOK! A rabid coconut! Yeeee!" Sora yelled as he ran towards something. "Actually, man, I think that's just Tidus, ya?" Wakka said. But Sora was already in the process of preparing for a full-scale headbutt at the human figure that couldn't possibly be a rabid coconut. Tidus jumped out of the way and dropped a coconut which had Wakka's face carved into it. The rest is not important…

FLASHBACK ENDSS!111111111111111

"You're a menace to yourself…" Riku stated and went back to sleep…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well heres the second installment of this would-be humor story, but you prolly didn't even laugh prolly. I know I didn't….

Z YAZ!


	3. Chapter 3 or something like it

1Hey hey heeeey here is chapter three of this would-be humor fic where anything goes in order to piss Riku off!

Chapter 3

Listen carefully, for I choose my words carefully, and never repeat myself… My name is not Clive Owens…

Sorry… On to the story…

So it was another sunny day (these days happen quite often here) at Destiny Islands and our friend Riku was taking a swim in the sea. After swalling about a kilogram of salt and seaweed, he went back to shore, where an eager Sora was waiting for him.

"Hey Riku!" he yelled.

"I'm right here dammit don't yell." Riku said.

"Ok!" then he whispered, "Hey Riku!"

Sigh…. "What?"

"Oh nothing… I think I forgot…"

"Oh great…"

After their conversation, Riku started walking back home, but Sora finally remembered his quiestion:

"So, where's Kairi?" It was well known that Sora had a big-assed crush on Kairi ever since they where 5, but well let's face it: he's an idiot. He prolly doesn't even know himself. Anyway, Riku decided to play him another cruel joke…

"Yeah, I think she's bathing at the fountain… In plain view… Naked." Riku said. But in reality it was Wakka bathing there. Now square(insert latest name) may own Sora, but he mai bitch. So yeah, he decided to check out the fountain view.

About 30 minutes later, Riku met up with a very traumatized Wakka who was wearing his shirt backwards for some insane reason.

"Hey Wakka, your shirts's on backwards." Riku pointed out.

"Sora? Where?" He yelled and started running. Hell, I've never seen a Jamaican run so fast. Now, Riku would've been surprised, but he's lived there all his life, and it was kind of routine. Then, at the same time he heard to voices call out "Hey Riku!" one was of course Sora, who was completely un-traumatized, and Kairi.

"Hey Kai." Riku said.

"What about me?" Sora pouted.

"Yeah… Mr. Boublus" Suddenly, Sora went into a fetal position and started sucking his thumb, letting out sobs every now and then.

"Aww your mean, Riku." Said Kairi.

"Yeah, so where d'you wanna hang out?"

"I dunno, Sora ruins?"

Riku was about to answer when a voice came out of nowhere. It was Selphie

"Riku! Help! Pleas-" BANG!

Riku turned and saw Kairi holding a smoking tranq gun.

"Ya know, I would ask, but I just don't have the energy…" Riku said.

"Good boy!" Kairi said, then ran of to Selphie's body and carried it away.

Ok, long paragraph about nothing time. About 3 years ago, the most you would've seen in the islands were prolly sea and sand. But then came the meteor shower……… Just kiddin'. I wanted to get all Smallville on ya. My bad. Yeah so I don't really feel like writing this huge paragraph, so how about I pay Riku and friends a visit? Hell, I'm omnipotent in here so I can do whatever the hell I want.

Right so I appeared in front of our friend Riku, just to scare the crap outta him. And yes, the crap was scared out him allright.

"Who the hell are you? Are you another of Kairi's inventions?" He asked once he recovered.

"No-… Wait, what?" Oooook so I didn't know my characters as much as I thought. Big deal. I can still make them suffer. "I am an Angel of Death descended from Heaven to smite thee! Smite thee, I say!" Yeah, so I get a bit carried away sometimes.

"Huh?" Riku said, eyebrow raised and all. He sighed, "Are you Sora's brother or something?"

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY! Ok this visit was not a good idea. Now they must suffer.

"I'm the author of this crap. Yep, the one that has, is and will make a true hellhole of your life." I loooooved threatening people.

"Oh, that's cool." Riku said.

So then I disappeared, and set Kairi's house on fire. Why Kairi you ask? Oh, no reason. Just felt like it…

"What." Riku said.

Then Kairi's dad appeared beside him and said, "Dammit, I told her to keep the dragon outside."

Riku had never seen Kairi's parents before, and how he recognized him as her father was a mystery to me. But to tell you the truth, I'm just as indifferent as you guys, even though it's my story.

Anyway, Riku made his way to Kairi's house. Why? To help out I guess. Or maybe to gloat at the fact that his house was the only one still standing of the three of them. That will soon be fixed.

When Riku got there, he saw a bunch of people gathered around the burning house, some carrying sticks with marshmellows and muffins. Hell, one crazy woman brought a frog.

"Has anyone thought of actually putting the fire out?" Riku asked. It does make one wonder that, having so much water around you, there wasn't a fire department in Destiny Islands. Or any kind of law enforcement force. All there was was Selphie's dad pretending to be Sherrif, and even THAT gets boring after the first few weeks.

"Nah, it's fun to watch." Responded none other that Tidus himself. "Dude, what's wrong with your stick?"

Ignoring all possible sexual innuendo in that comment, Riku responded: "Didn't bring one."

"What? Then what the hell are you doing here?" Tidus said, surprised.

"What, is toasting marshmellows on the burning ruins of people's houses tradition now?" Riku asked sarcastically.

"Hell yeah! Burning houses, baby!" Tidus yelled, and ran off.

Suddenly, from with the house a voice was heard,

"No, Selphie! Don't drop the Nitrogly-"BOOOOOOOOOOOOM. Bye-bye birdie. Everybody stared at the fallen, pretty fucked up house. Then…

"Hey that gay kid with silver hair doesn't have a stick! Let's kick his ass!" someone in the crowd yelled. It sounded a bit like Tidus' voice. Riku decided that it would be best to leave before the crowd linched him. Linched him good. He went looking for Sora and found him still curled up in the dark corner were he had left him.

"Get up, dude. We're leaving."

"Oooh. Were we goin'?" asked Sora.

"I dunno. Know any good bars?" riku asked, not expecting an answer. Suddenly Sora's face lit up.

"Yeah I do! C'mon it's great!" Sora yelled and ran off. Riku ran behind him, surprised at Sora.

About 5 mins. Later…

"Sora… When I asked if you knew any good bars, I meant the place where you go get drunk when you're depressed. NOT an actual metal bar."

You prolly saw this one coming, but yes, our heroes where indeed standing in front of a rather large metal bar which had a face painted into it.

"Oh. I thought you meant Charlie…" Sora said, dissapointed. But Riku paid no attention. He was thinking about what would hurt more: A toaster in the tub, cutting his wrists, or just poking holes in his own lungs. Holes in the lungs were winning right now. "Umm, Riku?"

"Yeah?"

"There's an angry mob here asking for you…"

"So?"

"They're coming here to kill you I think…"

"Why did you tell them where I was?" Riku said, very, very mad.

"Well they asked nicely. They even said: 'Now, Asshole!'"

"You… You just never hit rock bottom do you"

"Well actually I was digging a hole once, and…" Riku cut him off by running the hell away from the angry mob that carrid pitchforks and toches from the burning ruins of Kairi's house. Then, Kairi turned up beside Sora, apparently unhurt except for a few burns here and there.

"Hey Sora." She said.

"Hey Kai. Say, weren't you dead a while ago?"

"Oh yeah… Damn you continuity..." She made a weird face and then blew up.

Apparently, Sora chooses the wrong moments to actually pay attention to the outside world.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1


End file.
